Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
