I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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