does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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