Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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