my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
