I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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