I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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