There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
