this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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