3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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