I puked a lego.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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