Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
