I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
