saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
