Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
