Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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