Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
