some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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