there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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