so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
God, I missed his penis.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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