paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I smell like Dick and happiness
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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