you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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