I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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