i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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