I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
