jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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