my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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