Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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