Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
