i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pants are for mortals
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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