it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
