Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
