I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
