You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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