The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I could make wine with my vomit
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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