it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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