I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
