my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
