He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
sex in a hospital.. check
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
