His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
