1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
