she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
