it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
