I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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