i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
don't judge my taste in strippers
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
