I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
