i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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