Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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