First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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