now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize