OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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