Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
