Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
