I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
