it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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