why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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