Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
