I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
