Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
