She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize