Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
